A Few Thoughts on Personal Transformation and Mindset

Every day we make choices. From the moment we get up in the morning, to the moment we nod off to sleep.  However, for many of us, all too often our daily experience has become a stream of obligations and problems that seems to own us. Not only do we not feel in control, we feel powerless over our lives altogether. 

Perhaps you feel trapped in a job without a sense of purpose; enmeshed in a toxic relationship; or life throws you one too many emergencies and now you are stuck in debt. Perhaps you feel trapped in yourself, locked in your own shyness or overwhelmed by paralyzing thoughts or emotions. Maybe you suffered some very real trauma as a child that continues to show up in your life today. Perhaps you have an addiction that once helped you get through the day but has now taken over your life in a harmful way.

Any one of these problems could cause very real grief in our lives, but more often than not life presents us with a mess of intertwined problems: we're burned out at work with a troubled relationship at home, and debt we can't seem to pay off. Or we are let go from our job with children to feed and an impending divorce, paralyzed with a prevailing sense of isolation and dread. When we're drowning in a sea of problems, it can easily feel like life just handed us a raw deal and we are doomed to play out our hand.  

In a strange way, there’s an understandable “comfort in discomfort” that comes with the story that “life sucks” and we don’t have any control over what happens to us. Ironically, it is often easier to believe we have no choice than it is to admit that we have chosen a life that is not working for us and to take ownership for our mistakes in our part of the story. In the short term, it’s certainly easier than having to face the turbulence of dealing with some of the complex problems and difficult people in our lives. Often it is not easy to admit we have problems we really do not know how to solve on our own, or to admit that we just need someone to talk to that might help us sort through our feelings and get some clarity about what to do.  

Over time we internalize this story, and our lives begin to lose meaning. There may be an emptiness, or a vague uneasiness that something is wrong. We may forget what makes us smile in everyday moments, or struggle to feel anything. We no longer consider what would really fulfill us, or what would make us excited just to get up in the morning. When an opportunity to change our lives does present itself, or a person comes into our lives that genuinely appreciates us, these people and opportunities just pass right by us, because they are not part of the story we have come to understand as the story of our lives. We have essentially forgotten ourselves in this story, yet we still seem to wonder why we can never seem to catch a break.

With this type of mindset, what do we think we will attract or bring into our lives, in terms of people, opportunities, friendships and love? 

Mindset is an extremely powerful force that can have a huge influence over what you will tend to see, find and create in your daily life. Whether you see a world that is empty, unloving and violent, or a world filled with mystery and possibility, you are right. And if you are convinced that you have no control over your life, this is what you will see, create, and recreate over and over again in the world around you.

The outside world is riddled with problems, and the point here is not to wear rose-colored glasses and ignore them. There are "wicked problems" everywhere that need to be recognized and addressed. But when it comes to our own internal world, we get to decide how we look at ourselves, and we can change it.

if you are convinced that you have no control over your life, this is what you will see, create, and recreate over and over again in the world around you.

If we are willing to take a deep, hard look at what’s happening inside us, we can choose awareness, acceptance and a willingness to learn and grow. We can choose to embrace our problems and ask for help. We can ask ourselves: Why are these problems happening? How can I break down these problems so that I can actually address them? How can I improve my situation for even just one of these problems? What can I do differently? How would I need to think differently in order to create a different outcome? Is there someone I can ask who could help me? Do I just need to talk to someone and feel heard? For some, feeling heard can fundamentally impact how we feel about everything. More to the point, if you really want answers, and if you are willing to consider any possibility to get them, you will find something - some insights to point you in the right direction will come to you.

When it comes to our own internal world, we get to decide how we look at ourselves, and we can change it.

Even just being able to recognize and admit that we have a problem and look at ways to address it can create a whole different feeling about the problem. In my opinion, this is the beginning of where real change can happen. It starts with the idea that there may be another way to look at our problems that gives us more agency over our ability to do something about them. We start down a new path that makes life feel just a bit more hopeful and optimistic. Then we have the courage and state of mind to consider the changes we may need to make to get us where we want to be.

There is a widely known “Serenity Prayer” that is used in twelve-step programs like Alcoholics Anonymous (AA.) The first line goes something like this:

"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference." - from The Serenity Prayer

There is a ton of material on the internet about this prayer, so I will speak from my own personal experience. While we cannot change the past, we can choose to learn from it. We can choose to practice radical acceptance and awareness of who we are right now; we can choose to look at internal beliefs and choices we have made, and how they may have played a part in where our life is today.

We may realize that there are ideas we have about ourselves that have created our own internal suffering and potentially caused suffering in others. We may also come to realize that while there are a myriad of life events and/or other people's actions that we cannot control, we can still choose how we respond to them. We can acknowledge hurt, anger, even trauma and abuse, and yet still choose to forgive or let go of suppressed feelings that may be holding us back from growing or experiencing love or self-love. Therapy can be a huge benefit in working through these things, as can support groups and/or spiritual practices.

With a new self-awareness, many new choices for our lives become possible. We may find the courage to speak for ourselves in relationships where we did not feel heard before. We can choose new relationships with others that are more closely aligned with our values, and overall create a better relationship with ourselves. We really can profoundly change the world that we experience every day. These changes begin with a shift in mindset, and a genuine willingness to truly see and know ourselves.

Along with therapy, I have found the Serenity Prayer really helpful in taking a more radical, honest look at myself, for all my failings and strengths, and consider the effect my actions have had on myself as well as other people. It helped me to better distinguish the person I thought I should be from the person I am, to re-examine what was most important to me, and begin to make choices that felt more aligned with my essential nature. I found that this process also led me to connect with other people who shared similar values with myself; I found that I had more courage to share with and open up to them about what really going on with me. This helped me to create a space where I could heal, change and grow into a happier person overall, and embrace and own that there were things important to me that I wanted to bring back into my life. In turn, I found that other "kindred spirits" who shared similar values seemed to flow more naturally into my life. Or perhaps I simply noticed and gravitated to these people because my mindset had changed.

The truth is that real fundamental change is hard; the ongoing internal work required to get there can be daunting, and the external changes you make as a result may and likely will disrupt your life and your relationships. However, in my experience these changes are well worth the turbulence if we're willing to make the choice to grow and take the journey.

Personal transformation begins with the choices you make and the mindset you have about the world. Too often we limit our own sense of what is possible for us to create a fulfilling life that nourishes our spirit.

A few final thoughts to consider:

• Do you feel like who you are is at odds with the life you live right now? Do you know why? Do you feel like you know what it is that would make you happy? What do you think is blocking you right now from getting there? How much of it is internal and how much of it is external? Be willing to consider that there may be things you cling to or tell yourself that are not serving you. Do not be afraid to find out who really are or spend some time thinking about what you need. The more you can identify and visualize these things, the more likely it is that you can create these things in your own life, or at least make the space to feel a sense of possibility again.

• To quote Shad Helmstetter, "What Do Your Say When You Talk to Your Self?"

  • What kind of things do you find yourself telling yourself everyday? Are they positive messages or negative messages?

  • Helmstetter's book had a large impact on me in helping me shift some of the internal narratives in my head and believe more in my own abilities.

  • We can create and recreate the message we give ourselves each day about what we are capable of, and what we deserve. We may not even believe the positive messages we try send ourselves, but they do have a way of sinking in over time.

• Is there any pattern that has shown up in your life again and again that you wish you could change?  What would your life look like without that pattern? Can you write 10 things that would be enabled or ways that your life would be better without that pattern? Do you have any patterns you can identify that create joy in your life? Maybe as a starting point it is even just something you used to love doing as a kid that you pick up again. Create new habits, new patterns, based on things that bring you joy.

• What would it look like to have a mindset where you felt like you could handle any problem that comes your way? What would you be doing differently right now with this mindset?

• What if you created a fictitious story about a character, where the character is like yourself but has a life with everything you want in it. Could you write a few pages about this character? How does this character's story differ from your story? How does this person think differently than you do? Does the story elicit any ideas about how you could change your own life, even in some small way? Some people find that writing about a character in the third person helps them see things they would not otherwise when trying to write a "new story" about themselves.

• If you are suffering, you do not have to go through this alone. Consider a support group, spiritual practices, a personal coach, or therapy. Even if you are an introvert, having someone you can talk to, or support community can make a huge difference.
  

Whether you are fed up with feeling powerless, or you were thrown into chaos from a devastating life event, personal transformation is possible. We can change our mindset and write a new story for our lives that works better for us. The process may uncover some pretty uncomfortable truths, but if we are willing to do the work, if we can walk through that fire, we can build something new in the ashes. And we may discover a much richer, more authentic and fulfilling life for ourselves in the process.