Permission to be Sad... Granted.

Recently I hit a rough patch. I was working crazy hours, fried from deadlines, and on top of that, some pretty big personal things were going on with me. I was overloaded with problems, and the tension and stress were gradually seeping into my body and my head. Every day I felt more tired, and less creative, and less hopeful. I was burned out, depressed, and not willing to face it.

At one point I had a big personal talk with an ex, and the stress of that conversation was the tipping point: my mind, my body all just went into fallout mode. Suddenly it felt like my brain would not function anymore and I had no energy. It was not just that conversation, it was the sum of all of the different stressors in my life coming to a head - into one huge snowball. Often my instinct in these situations is to "push through", with diet soda, sugar, or some other escape. But these options were a huge band aid, they never really recharged me, they only veiled and made worse the underlying condition of exhaust and a whole bunch of suppressed feelings. And then would set in the migraines... it was not a good look. I could no longer enjoy the things I normally would. I had let things get to a level where it would take some time to unravel and recover and I still had responsibilities in front of me.

It may seem strange to some, but sometimes I have had this feeling that if I let the sadness in, the fear, or even the depression, that it would "stop" me and I would "lose control" or I would not be able to handle daily life. However, ironically it was when I actually allowed myself to unravel, to let those feelings in, I could start to actually nourish my body and mind again. Otherwise, things would eventually built up to a burnout state where I really could do nothing, and I would have more shame about that state - about not being able to perform.

Sadness is natural, it is not something to push away. We may as well feel it and let it in, maybe even learn from it. Yet in my experience there is a there is still real stigma against men being sad, expressing anxiety, or showing vulnerability. People can misinterpret us, or perhaps they are misinterpreting the response we exhibit to these feelings. For myself, even though I write music and some deeply personal songs, and I definitely tap into all kinds of feelings when writing songs, it is still something I struggle with in my daily life.

Many of us spend a lot of time trying to avoid uncomfortable feelings about things that we don't know how we're going to solve. But we can co-exist with the unknown, we can choose how we respond in a way that can alleviate the stress. Instead of doomscrolling, we can take walks, we can take a deep breath, and we can be here now. We can choose to believe that we will figure it out even if we do not know how. We can choose to let those feelings in and accept ourselves. Yes, it may derail us from a "productive day," but it is better than denying the feelings exist.

Feelings will come up, and they will pass - We will pass - we won't be here one day either. We may as well experience them - now - feel them - process those feelings, make space for them, and learn.

We can also call a friend - and really talk to them - we can take a chance - be vulnerable - with the right person - especially when we really do not know what to do. Perhaps we're even terrified. They may try to "solve" the problem, or they may not understand. But it is my experience that when we can make a space to express our feelings about a situation, it really changes how that situation looks. In the emptiness of the unknown, when we are relaxed, or if we can just recharge, we can get more perspective. We can start to ask questions like what would it look like to do this differently? Maybe we need to set different boundaries to better protect our own wellness, or we may even realize we want to make a change that may involve a risk but could fundamentally improve our lives. (Therapy is also of course an option, but not everyone can avail themselves of that option (And I believe therapy can come in different forms.))

There are times in life that we may not want to feel the depth of our sadness or recognize that we may not be happy in our current situation. However, denial seldom changes the situation. It may be there are even overwhelming feelings we have and yes, they may derail us. But suppressing this stuff can lead to health problems, financial problems, social isolation - lots of problems! So it's better to take a good hard look at this stuff.

Give yourself permission to experience everything you are feeling. If you cannot do so now, plan time when you can periodically unwind and make space for yourself. This is the way we can grow, heal and change. This is not about wallowing, or being a victim, it is about making a space for the fullness of who you are. Or maybe it is about making time for things that bring you joy. Or time to take actions towards changes about the things that are making you miserable.

Permission to be sad... granted!

You deserve to be all that you are. In my experience, you will show up in the world in a completely different way, and you may be surprised how different things look on the other side of burnout and denial.