Sometimes “Nice Guys” Aren’t all That Nice, or Even all That Happy

As sensitive guys, many of us have learned some pretty elegant or involved ways to avoid conflict. Behind the scenes this can actually get quite complicated, and the emotions behind the avoidance can feel quite terrifying and real. We can get overstimulated by the world, or we may internalize doubt and fear of others, or fear of our own feelings. We may be shy; we may “feel things deeply” and it seems to make every one of our interactions difficult. We may fear being squashed or emasculated. Maybe we want to hide in the background. We may feel pressure to be an "alpha male" and not have the first clue what that looks like. So confrontation, and confrontational personality styles, or situations involving even perceived confrontation that require us to have a voice for ourselves, can be particularly difficult for us. 

We may look to “just survive” or navigate these situations through a variety of means that may not really serve us all that well:

• We may pacify and agree with others when we don’t agree, or even agree to something before we even know what we want or how we feel about it. 

• We may believe if we are the nice guy who is agreeable no one can have a problem with us, and we won’t have to deal with the conflict.  We’ll get love and approval anyway. 

• We may attempt to become a chameleon to blend in, someone who could agree or "be anything" so that we can smoothly fit in the culture of the environment with the least perceived amount of resistance. We may even try to convince ourselves we believe things we don't and have similar interests just to connect with someone else.

• If we are “people pleasers” we may attempt to pacify by doing favors for others. 

Some refer to this as "nice guy syndrome." More on that later.

The problem here of course is that one thing is missing: YOU. You still have feelings and desires, even if you bury or suppress them, or go against your own deepest principles or feelings to accommodate others.  This approach seldom addresses the problem, and often makes it much worse.

As a result a lot of ugly things can rear their head:

• We as men may become resentful.

• We may resort to blaming others for our misery, and never really do anything to identify or address what’s fundamentally wrong or take any responsibility for the part we may be playing in perpetuating our own misery.  

• We can create relationship dynamics where we create entitled behaviors in others who expect us to "just agree" because that is exactly how we have shown up to them in the relationship: We haven’t set boundaries around our own well-being, or communicated what we need; we may not even know what we need anymore because we are so used to playing this type of role. We may no longer know how to express to others how we need to be treated or want to be treated. 

These types of behaviors are often an outgrowth of a lifetime of behavior, learned or interpreted, that we believed we had to do from a young age. These patterns are sometimes deeply ingrained in how we perceive the world, and how we learn to be in the world.  

But they are worth challenging. They may get us through things, and even gain approval in the short term, but is this really the path to happiness for sensitive men?

Is this really the path to authentic relationships that will fulfill us?  

What does it look like to own and take responsibility for our own feelings and realize our dreams if we fundamentally act out a paradigm that creates a message we do not value ourselves?

Particularly with sensitive guys, I see a lot of men who are trying to play the role of provider, trying to please their partner when they are actually quite frustrated with their partner but do not know how to address the problem. They are “committed” to “provide” but not really able to express themselves. They may even double down on this pleasing behavior, even when it is not reciprocated for a prolonged amount of time.  In fact it may even be resented.  

Wanting to provide for others, being giving, wanting to please someone you care about is natural and can be beautiful. 

But if we are not taking care of ourselves, or have a voice for ourselves, how can we really expect anyone else to know what we need?  How can we really find a partner that is compatible in a way that will make us happy. How can we create sustainable successful personal and work relationships that lead to a sense of personal fulfillment?

In “No More Mister Nice Guy,” author Dr. Robert Glover gets into much more detail on this topic, and describes men in this category as having “Nice Guy Syndrome.”

Glover indicates the men who epitomize this dynamic often live by three basic “Covert Contracts”:

1. “If I'm good, I’ll be liked and loved”

2. “If I meet other people’s needs without them having to ask, they will meet my needs without my having to ask”

3. “If I do everything right, nothing will ever go wrong. I’ll have a smooth, problem-free life.”

I highly recommend "No More Mister Nice Guy" for anyone reading this for whom this blog post is resonating strongly.  Dr. Glover offers that “Nice Guy Syndrome” is often ingrained from childhood, they are a series of emotional beliefs many of us learn from a very young age, and further that “covert contracts” can even kill your sales effectiveness. He talks about it here: https://youtu.be/zWq5Igk1KKc 

So how do we find our way out of this situation?  Well, while one blog post can’t solve everyone’s problems in one fell swoop, here are some things to think about. Some of this is right out of Glover's book:

• Practice making your needs a priority and doing good things for yourself

• Get therapy - We may currently be recreating our current dynamic that is perpetuating our problems everywhere we go and with everyone we know.  It may take some time, talking through experiences, and real intentional self-work to rewrite this story and make real changes in your life. 

• Start asking yourself some questions:

• What do I need to feel deeply fulfilled? 

• What makes me feel deeply fulfilled and happy?

• What does it look like to really love yourself?

• What does it look like to get everything you want?

• What does it look like to ask for what you want

• What do I need right now?

  • Questions are powerful. If you brew on these types of questions, answers or clues will start to appear at unexpected times.

• Be around other people who are interested in self-growth.

• Join a men’s group, try to spend some time with other men who you can talk to and support. Some of us isolate or just stay at home and internalize, but generally this will not change anything in our situation. 

• Surround yourself with the kind of people who will support you getting what you need, or who epitomize the kind of happiness you are looking for in your life.

• Try to be as clear as possible about what other people can do to help you get your needs met. This may take practice and time, and you may need some time to rediscover yourself.

• When someone offers to help you, let them!  Practice receiving help. You deserve to be helped, and to be prioritized. 

• When bad things happen, ask yourself:

• How can I grow from this? What can I learn from this?

• When you are trying to take a chance to do something new to improve your life:

• Ask yourself: How can I challenge myself?

• Let go of your attachment to outcome.

• Consider: Turn "wishful thinking" into what I can manifest here and now?

My sensitive amigos, I have been through many of the very behaviors I have described here. I am a work in progress - We all are as long as we are human. And I have seen dramatic changes in my life happen when I started to own my responsibility for some of these patterns, and then take action on what I needed to do to change that. And you can do the same thing, use your sensitivity and self-reflection for good, and change your life.

Let’s turn “Nice Guy” into “Happy Guy”!  We can do this!