Navigating the Toxic Workplace: Surviving Sensitive

The toxic workplace has unfortunately been a hot topic for generations. Even with the exponential advances in AI that are among us, I suspect this problem will continue to be with us for years to come. In particular, for sensitive people who may internalize their surroundings in a deep way, a toxic work environment can be a particularly tricky and even debilitating situation. While some people thrive in the chaos and drama of competitive, fast-paced environments, or pride themselves on having a "tough skin" in "wild west" startup cultures, others find their quality of life becomes intolerable, and feel their sense of work/life balance has become virtually non-existent. Many sensitive guys feel they have to suffer in silence and face it alone.

What can we as sensitive guys do to change this?

Let's first look at some of the factors that can make a work environment feel toxic. There are a myriad of factors that manifest in a variety of ways:

• Work culture:

  • The work culture is at odds with your personal belief system, and you are left feeling isolated or marginalized. Perhaps there is an "alpha bro culture" and you are a "Type B" introvert. Or maybe you sense there is a fixed mindset rather than a growth mindset about you and your contribution or role at the company, and you feel pigeonholed. There may be an implicit understanding of you having 24/7 availability, when behind the scenes you are a single parent of young children that has limited time and resources.

  • The organization consistently takes on more projects than its resources can feasibly handle, and the staff is left to scramble with overlapping tasks and unrealistic deadlines and expectations.  You have "too much to do" all the time; Work assignments are coming in from overlapping directives without a streamlined channel of oversight. You struggle to manage priorities while almost everything is coming across your desk as urgent.

  • Perhaps there is no real framework to deliver or communicate on the work, or a-lack of agreement on the scope of the work and the definition-of-done for tasks. The result is a lot of extra work that may run into after-hours time, and/or "hidden work." Even when you are getting the work done and being productive, you still feel a sense of diminishing returns, and become more burned out by the day.

  • Perhaps there is lack of shared/collaboration tools and processes that could help manage and streamline the work (Atlassian/JIRA, Asana, Monday.com, Co-Pilot, Miro, Notion, etc.) You find yourself putting in a lot of manual effort only to find out you have the wrong version of a document, or repeatedly staying late to work on routine reports that could have been automated in some fashion.

• Interpersonal work issues such as a challenging relationship with your manager, staff, client or vendor. Or there is an abusive co-worker that does not seem to have boundaries, that may not appear to be checked by any supervisor or by HR.

• Things we may be able to control, but that we can lose sight of in the rush of being "hardworking, committed, proud employees." These behaviors may not be serving us, and can actually reinforce a sense of toxicity:

  • Inability to prioritize or timebox tasks.

  • Challenges with saying "no" or the inability to set boundaries around our work and personal time.

  • Inability to communicate or escalate problems, particularly when they are chronic and may even appear to be systemic to the organization.

  • Inability to ask for help or reluctance to delegate work.

  • People-pleasing; Saying "yes" or agreeing to deadlines regardless of whether they are feasible so we can demonstrate our "relentless work ethic."

Whatever the case may be, as time progresses, if we are not careful, we can begin to forget to take care of ourselves. We may even develop a kind of addiction to "putting out fires" - and our toxic work culture can actually become a part of our toxic world view: we find ourselves bringing and creating this toxic reality into our personal life and relationships. Eventually the moments of happiness and hope are fewer and farther between. We may get burned out, lose a sense of who we are, forget our sense of purpose and lose hope; we may become deflated and even blame ourselves for being in this state. Life can become a huge struggle when we have a dysfunctional work life that has consumed our lives. 

Other people outside the situation may offer advice in a very black-and-white manner that doesn't acknowledge the complexities of the situation, or the human condition. They may say something like: "I would never stay at a job like that, no job is worth your soul." There is almost an implication that the person struggling is a failure for not "solving the problem." Yet the person may have children to care and pay for, debts, and/or they may have some concern that their skills are not translatable, or even fear age discrimination in a new job search. Most of us rely on some type of steady income: we need a paycheck, and it may take time to navigate a life transition such as job or career change. We may be shy, and the changes that are required to face and address this problem can seem insurmountable. To take it one step further, if we are part of re-creating the problem through our own behavior, then a change in job or even career may or may not actually even address the problem at its origin or root cause.  We may go from job to job feeling like we are cursed to work and live in toxic circumstances.

The good news is that we always have a choice about how we respond, but it may take some real inner work and soul searching to get there.

Here are a few thoughts on how we can face this situation.

1. Every day, do something to take care of yourself that replenishes you or inspires you; learn something; make it a priority every single day to do something just for you. This can change the whole landscape of the day. When you start the day knowing you have done something for yourself, that is a reality you can carry with you throughout the day.

2. Talk to a therapist. It can be a huge help to work with a trained professional to vent,
   

and identify and eventually change patterns that are really ingrained in your behavior, being the "good worker." Having "grit" is a noble quality, but it may also create a dynamic where "push through" but over time we end up burning out. Therapy can be a way to help us identify our patterns and root causes of behavior so that we gain awareness, bring these patterns to the surface and then can begin to own and change them.

If you are imminently suffering from burnout, take some time off if it is possible. Get help. Talk to friends, breathe, take a walk - do whatever is necessary to re-center. Sometimes this can a major shift in mindset.

1. What if I have "too much to do?"

   1. Make a list and put each one on a post-it - line the post-its up.

   2. As yourself, what if you had a gun to your head to pick the most important 5 items?  You would likely pick one.

   3. Either use a digital app or physical post its to manage this in real time - while you are addressing that item, you would move the item to the to do lane - and then when it’s done it would be moved to DONE.  This goes a long way to separate out what it is getting done so it doesn’t all glom together in your head. Highly recommended: "Wicked Problem Solving" with Tom Wujec (to be covered in a future post) - this is an unbelievably powerful course and approach to problem solving and facilitation.

2. Communicate with your boss. Make the problem visible. Does your boss know you have too much to do?  Can you tell them? Can you delegate any of these tasks?  Can you ask for help? Some people think they have to figure out everything alone, and that asking for help reflects weakness, but asking for help is very much a skill and a sign you have an earnest commitment. It also makes the problem visible so that it can be addressed or escalated. When communicating on your problem with too much to do, try to be as specific as possible so it's not just a venting session. Is there a specific example you can give? What is the problem? Is there clarity on the work and the deadline? Do you have the skills to handle it, or do you need assistance or training? How many people do you think you would need to help you, and how specifically are they helping you?

3. Take time in your personal or professional life to devote to a skill or passion. It will give you the strength to navigate those crazy days where work is out of control to know you are growing in some way. It will reinforce that you still exist apart from this environment, and you will be less likely to feel "swallowed" by work.

4. Consider finding a mentor or coach - a mentor could take many forms, but someone who is more senior than yourself, or even someone that appears to be very successful at time management. Or it could be a spiritual mentor that gives you advice and inspiration.

5. Consider joining a men's group or networking group. These can be powerful avenues for career connections, and if you become a regular part of a group, it can help you feel more connected to others and not just isolate in burnout.

6. Use The Power of Questions Sometimes questions can be powerful, they can bring us back to possibilities:

   1. What does a healthy workplace look like for me?

      1. Making a two column list where the left side reflects everything that is not working for you at your current job, and the right side reflects the opposite or desired outcomes you would like. This can get ideas flowing.

   2. What do I bring to this job that is unique to me?

   3. What do I enjoy the most about what I do at this job?

   4. If I overdeliver to this job, what would it look like to "overdeliver" to myself? What value could I bring to myself for now and for the future, in and out of work?

   5. What would my dream job look like? What would you be doing and how would you be feeling doing it? You may not know the answer, but this can open your mind to possibilities for a better reality.

   6. What can I do to change my situation? This is not just "get a different job" it could be:

      1. Create a morning routine that bakes in something meaningful to you, or even just 10 minutes in the morning where you have a morning affirmation, or "incantation" as Tony Robbins likes to say.

      2. "10 ideas a day" - Every day come up with ten ideas to work on your creative muscle. This is from a book called "Choose Yourself" by James Altucher, and this exercise can be huge for expanding creativity and problem-solving. You may come up with a lot of weird ideas that may not be useful, but occasionally you will come across a "gem" that you feel compelled to act on immediately. The ideas can also be focused on a particular topic. What are the 10 biggest problems with with this project? OR What are 10 things I can do to radically change my life right now? I was coming up with a crazy movie idea about a runner who runs at night in the city who gets secret messages from streetlights! If nothing else, it may help revive your sense of playfulness.

      3. Start leaving at 5pm on at least a couple of days a week without fail unless explicitly asked. This obviously is not always possible, but the point is to create some space for work/life balance.

      4. Sign up for a class that necessitates your leaving at a certain time.
         

Personal note: Over the years, I have worked in many work environments in different capacities, from mid-level startups as a developer, to management roles at global organizations. A fair number of them I found toxic in some way - whether it was overlapping projects, abusive work relationships both vertical and horizontal, or if they were simply 24/7 global work cultures where I was happy but there with very high demands, tight turnaround SLA expectations and the need for resourcing and management round the clock that required a ton of flexibility in my life. I have juggled parenthood on top of these responsibilities, and I burned out quite a bit. I would then have to figure out how to regroup and restructure so I could keep a sustained income and it was sometimes extremely challenging. I still continue to work through having a balance in my life where I maintain an internal locus of control. Looking back, for all the problems with these work environments, a huge part of the problem was my mindset - my approach to both work and personal relationships. Over time I came to realize that I could control what I bring to the job, I could prioritize, I could escalate problems, set better boundaries, I could communicate, I could ask for help. And I found I could control or at least influence the kind of life and relationships I wanted to have in and out of the workplace. This has made a massive difference in my overall outlook and sense of well-being.

As sensitive guys, while we may find ourselves in toxic work situations that can drain our energy and life force, we can regenerate and recoup. We can get help and we can make different choices if we can just envision them. We can choose to live in a way that respects our own needs and empower ourselves. If we can do this, I believe we will ultimately be more effective workers, focusing on the right things, not just the immediate things, and doing so in a more sustained way. If we are burning out again and again consider that this may be a huge wake call for change, or perhaps time to reach out for a trained therapist.

If you are suffering in or from a toxic work environment, take a good hard look at this and do something about it. It will pay huge dividends in your life. Life is too short to be miserable, particularly when there is another option.